Calling all adopters: Let’s talk letterbox contact.

Calling all adopters: Let’s talk letterbox contact.

From a birth parent’s perspective

Let’s talk about something that often gets reduced to a task on a checklist: letterbox contact.

For many adopters, writing a letter once or twice a year can feel daunting or even unnecessary, especially when life is full, and the child is thriving. But from where I stand, as a birth parent, those letters can mean everything.

I do understand that it can feel emotionally complex, especially when adoptive parents receive letters from birth relatives that stir unexpected feelings. I am fully aware of that, yet being open to these messages isn't just an administrative task; it's a deeply meaningful act of love and connection for your child.

When you approach letterbox contact with openness and curiosity, you model acceptance. All children often carry questions about where they come from, and the way you handle contact sends powerful signals.

If you're willing to receive and discuss letters, it reassures your child that they don’t have to choose between their birth family and you. Instead, both can coexist as part of their story.

Letterbox isn’t just about updates. It’s a lifeline. It’s reassurance. It’s something tangible that says, your child is okay, they’re loved, they’re growing into someone wonderful. It’s also about humanity, acknowledging that while adoption is complex, the people involved are still connected in meaningful ways.

It doesn’t just help us—it helps our children. Because one day, when they read those letters or hear about them, they’ll know we cared. We never stopped. It says: “You still matter. “It says: “You are not forgotten.” It reminds us that while we can’t raise them, we’re still part of their story.

For us, birth parents, contact through the letterbox can help in healing. It brings peace, gives us space to process, and reminds us that the decision made wasn’t the end—it’s part of an ongoing story.

When J was adopted, I felt like I lost everything—my world went quiet, and the unknowns were deafening. But then, I received a beautiful card, packed full to the brim of information. Yes, this was his “settling-in-letter, but in just a few short paragraphs, it reaffirmed that he was ok…it changed something in me. I exhaled for the first time in months.

As you can read in previous blogs that I talk about my letterbox contact, I want to remind adopters just how much that contact means.

That piece of paper reminded me that my child was still out there, growing, living, being loved. It didn’t erase the pain, but it helped me begin to heal. Letterbox contact might seem like a formality to some, but to birth parents like me, it’s so much more.

What you can include in a letterbox update:

• Daily life details – Bedtime routine, hobbies or favourite foods. Do you visit grandparents on the weekend? What time do they get up in the morning? These snippets help birth families picture them thriving in everyday.

• Milestones and celebrations – First day of school, birthdays, losing a tooth, learning to swim — these moments are golden for us.

• Photos or drawings – A side profile photo or from a distance, the garden, or them riding a bike. A painting that the child has done, or their footprints.  Even one picture speaks volumes and can become treasured for a lifetime.

• Quirks and personality traits – What are the things make them laugh? Are they stubborn or thoughtful? Do they show more of a creative side or more logic? Are they left or right-handed? These insights help us feel connected and can help further the conversation with birth parents.

• Health and development updates – These reassure us that they are safe, growing, and cared for. There is nothing wrong with sending a piece of ribbon that matches the child's height.

• Memorable moments – A funny quote, is there a funny way that they say a particular word? Is there a heartwarming story, a sweet habit they’ve picked up. Have they had a holiday friendship have they stayed in touch?

• Their questions about us – This can be really hard for adopters to hear their child talk and ask questions about their birth family. The important reminder is that your child is growing into their own person, and it is ok to share in their curiosity. My biggest advice for this is to reach out to the birth parents- possibly in a separate letter or contact method.

• Words of reassurance – Simply hearing that they are happy, settled, and loved can ease so much worry.

  
  

Letterbox can be seen as being outdated given the progression of social media and communication channels. What I believe adopters and services need to be more aware of, or at least in their applications of services, is the need of how written text is not 100% accessible. Given the availability of audio-dictate, the functionality of encrypted emails and visual, i.e. Skype, and other face-to-face sharing.

Small gestures can carry big meaning. Letterbox contact isn’t just a formality. It’s a lifeline for birth parents and children alike. Your words have the power to mend hearts, build identity, and tell a child, “You are loved by many.”

From one birth parent’s heart to yours: thank you for helping us remain a part of their story, even if from afar.