It's not all sunshine and rainbows

*Disclaimer- this blog is of my own feelings, words and experiences, it is not a reflection on my research, K, or that of Birth Parents and Adoptive Families.

 It’s been a while since the last write up I done, but like everyone else, life gets in the way. That’s not to say that I’m not wating to write but prioritising my masters research and heath had to come first. I have realised that the longer I have put of writing the blogs, the longer the list of things to write about gets. And, like all my blogs, I use a dictation software, so it will read as if I was speaking to you from the page. Today, I want to talk about contact. It’s good, it’s amazing when it happens, but it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. If you go and read 1043 days later… you will know that my contact went from Letterbox to direct during Covid https://charlottebutler1996.wixsite.com/speakingup/post/1043-days-later and that I recognised that I was in a very privileged position, one of which that during the data collection stage of my research I became more ware of. I refer to the disclaimer at the top, this is my own experience and my own feelings.

When I was first contacted about the change in my contact, bear in mind, this was after K had already reached out via social media, I was told that I needed to consider myself “lucky”, that “this is not the norm”. Man, even before the remember sitting in the social workers office, with contact consent form in front of me being told that I was lucky that his adopters were even agreeing to sending photos, so it never rubbed off just how “lucky” I got.

Now I hadn’t processed what happened (the adoption that is), even when my contacted change, and at the time I didn’t really think about the impact it would have on me, because at the end of the day it was all about what was the best interest for J. And it was felt that it was in his best interest to have me in his life the way his adoptive mom did. So I never go for as to how much I would struggle emotionally, but yet internalise it.

It wasn’t until this December just gone where through nobody’s fault contact had to stop, I write more about it here in my blog Who to turn to… https://charlottebutler1996.wixsite.com/speakingup/post/who-to-turn-to , this was when I really started to really think about how contact impacts me.

Like the good researcher that I am/want to be, here is a table:

The Good	The Bad	The Ugly
I get to see him happy	I’m reminded of how I failed	I remember all the things that were said about me in the SW reports, and that a major thing has been disproved, but I will never get an apology for that.
I get to hug him	I’m terrified that I’ve hugged him to tight, or that my nail pressed against his skin	I remember the time he was in NICU and I was too scared to even breath on him
I am shared photos of his holidays	I think about what could had been	I remember that I failed and wasn’t “good enough”
I am able to see him growing up	I know that he is aware of some of his history	I know there are going to be questions, of which I know we will face together, but it reminds me of my ACEs and how myself not being protected from harm or possible harm, resulted in my inability to care for myself, let alone a baby.
I feel accepted  by his family	My own family have disowned me	When I fist met them, I really thought that they would judge me, that they would be defensive, but this is far from the truth. There is still horrible doubt in my mind, but I know that’s illogical

It can be really hard managing these feelings, and I'm fortunate that I am on the waiting list for counselling where I plan on brining this up, but it’s hard to reach out to other birth parents, especially in my area. I have found solace on Facebook Social groups, but they are all based in America.

I have the ability to go back to Barnardo’s’ (who facilitated my in-direct contact);  however, due to undertaking my research with them, I have to respect my integrity as research, but also hold the image that I am functional enough to continue with it. I still attend the birth parents support groups, and I do find them a source of comfort, but again, the adults who attend have a vastly different set up, if they have any at all. So out of respect I tend to just remain quite and share advice where needed.

I’m in a weird place within the boundaries of social media, as I have found a place for myself within the adoption community, and I’ve been so grateful for the conversations and chats I’ve had with other adopters.