Letter-box Contact

From a Birth Mothers perspective

I’m in a position where I don’t have to worry about waiting for the postman to knock on the door and hand me that brown envelope. Everyone gets a sense of dread when a brown envelope comes through the door, but when you’re a birth parent and you’re expecting the most important letter of the year, that’s when the fear starts.

For those that are new, whether you be birth parents, adoptive families’ social workers or anyone with an interest, letterbox contact is a way in which birth parents and families can stay in contact with the child postadoption. Now all this is done on calculated risk and becomes a mutual agreement between the parties. Some think I’ve read a lot recently is a lot of people don’t know what to put, and I’m using my education to build a leaflet or a little guidance as to what can and can’t be put into letterbox contact but also how to word those awkward questions.

I can’t say for certain that one size fits all it certainly doesn’t, but what a letterbox should be is an open dialogue of shared amazement.

(I also don’t write blogs enough to put this in a format that will also make sense)

I remember when I received my first letterbox contact from our son’s mum, she’d done it in such a format that listed their activities in chronological order. She would explain to me what happened in September, the things that they’ve done the adventures that they had been on, and this continued in October she told me how they went trick-or-treating in November she told me how they were gearing up for Christmas and getting ready for his birthday. And this continued throughout the entire letter when I wrote back, I thought I was being strange of some of the questions I was asking.

I would reply to the letter in a similar format I would share how it was lovely to hear that he went trick-or-treating, it was lovely to hear that they went on a boat to see some family whilst also writing those bits I would put some information in about myself how I used to go on boats when I was younger because my dad was a lorry driver. I then shared some of the things I have done throughout the year and shared similar interests. I also shared at one point a book that I was reading to which I found out that our son’s mum was also reading or had read and that’s how we kinda got our letterbox book going as you will.

The one thing I was also grateful to receive was the sheer number of photos that went along with them.

When I wrote my reply, I did question with at first with a support worker from Barnardo’s I was working with at the time, was whether or not I was allowed to ask certain things because birth parents were told that we can’t ask anything that will give away locations or anything that could identify the child. This makes complete sense it’s about the safety of the child and I was never two put anyone at risk.

But I did ask what shoe size he was. Now to many this may sound really strange but for me, it meant that the next time I went shopping I could look at the children’s shoes and I could actually visualise the size of his feet, now obviously I was there at his birth I remember how big his feet was and I wanted to see if this trend had continued.

I guess it sounds silly now, but it made so much of a difference being able to ask that question but also having a response from it too.

From conversations I’ve had with adopters, they do worry about what to put in the letterbox contact, and when I spoke to some, they’ve been really surprised at the fact that I asked the size of his feet and how they actually found that to be a nice question because it wouldn’t have occurred to them.

I just want to provide some of the questions that I had questions or questions I was going to ask and that it’s okay for information like that to be shared (always check it over if you’re not too sure with a support worker)

Tell them about the shoe size, what age-range of clothing they are in, don’t be afraid to ask birth parent questions on if they had favourite subject at school, ask them what their favourite childhood book to read was, that way you could then read it to your child and use it as a way of connection. Tell them how long their hair is grown and how often you have to get it cut, do they have a particular set of cutleries, and is there a particular family member that they get on with really well? What their bedtime routine is don’t just say they have a bath they have a story and then go to bed, be descriptive for example (bath time is at 6 o’clock, they get out and they read their favourite book *name the book* and then they snuggle down in their paw patrol pyjamas)

Share with them if they show signs of being left or right-handed or even ambidextrous, ask what hands birth parents write with and if there is more left-handed or right-handedness in the family or indeed ambidextrous.

These are just little things is birth parents we would love to know what their favourite meal is there any preferential as to what type of vegetables they like, are they showing difficulties in school, is there something that they like to do with a particular family member and you don’t have to name them or provide any intricate details, but do they have siblings? how do they get along with them?

This is just a very small block, and in fact, I’ve done more words on this than I have on my essays. But letterbox doesn’t have to be scary and for both parties, if it’s been mutually agreed to share them share each other’s world birth parents that have letterbox contact we are lucky, we get told that we are lucky to have anything and even if a birth parent stops

responding do keep sending them because it may just come a time where the birth parent does start to respond again.